Here we go again…

I’ve began to ponder if I might be some sort of masochist. On some weird, subconscious level maybe. I must be, because I’m putting myself through the bureaucratic crap of trying to get my top surgery done again. Now, I say again because I’ve tried getting it covered once before and failed miserably. I made a couple posts on it towards the end of 2016 that you’re welcome to visit for more info.

I’ll save everyone though from me rehashing all of that and move forward.

So as some may know, I work at Target which is, on an insurance level, a trans friendly plan based company. The only issue with trying to get insurance and keeping it via retail is trying to keep the correct amount of hours to qualify for said insurance.

Now I hit qualification standards in August once I’d been there a whole year and then promptly moved to Spirit.
(Which btw was an absolute nightmare.. long story short, I became a scape goat for theft and left promptly).
Anywho, me returning to Target in November and with the new year bringing an extreme lack of hours to the whole store to work, I got the lovely letter saying I no longer qualify for insurance!
Thank the ACA and Obama for thinking ahead because they’ve saved my arse this time around. Because they instated a safety period from fallout on hours and qualifying stuff, I get to keep my insurance for 12 months from the time I qualified. So I’m guessing until August.

So in usual fashion, I’ve got my consult appointment next Monday with the same Dr I chose last time. I’ve got an app with my main physician the next day and come tomorrow I’ll be getting a hold of my psychologist to get an updated dated letter from her to all send to my insurance company.

I shouldn’t have to fight this time. There is a direct BOLD clause in there stating they cover transgender reassignment surgeries.
The ONLY thing I’m super worried about is the only paying 80% part.
Suppose I’ll deal with that thought when I come to that bridge.

I’ve already quit smoking/nicotine and have been free of that since January 18th. If all actually falls into place, I’ll be going in for top surgery sometime in early March.
So cross fingers for me folks. I’m so nervous again I’m having dreams about being nervous.

Besides all of that going on, I’ll update my pictures with the most recent. Got some new glasses today šŸ˜€

As always, I hope everyone is doing well and I’ll catch you next time!

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Moving forward

Hey world. I thought I’d do a random update to things going on. I’m going to try and not be so pissed off and depressive in this post this time!

So with that I want to announce that I’ve moved on from Target recently. Yesterday to be exact. It is temporary though. I was offered an assistant management position at a Halloween store called Spirit Halloween in my area and snatched that opportunity up very quickly. I’ve yearned for more experience to add to my resume and this seems like the perfect time to do so.
I was sitting pretty hard on the fence with this decision though. Seeing as leaving Target would knock me out of health insurance I had just become qualified for. Something I need desperately. But after weighing my options, the experience for the next 3 months is much more valuable to me in the long run. On a plus side, if I come back to Target within 90 days I can still sign back up for benefits so that’s my plan for right now.
I’ll be starting work almost full time (if not) here tomorrow and I’m super excited. I can’t wait to get into some training and get things going.

I’ve also been tossing the idea around of starting to write a book. I know.. it seems like the trendy thing to do. I’ve actually got 2 ideas for books that I’d like to explore, mainly focused around being transgender and family.

Seeing as I can draw, I’d love to write a children’s book for those who have parents who are transgender. Have my children help me write it and even illustrate it.
I’d also love to write a semi autobiography about my experiences and relationships so far.

Semi short update. I know it’s also not very fluid. I’m kind of in a scatterbrained mood today. Been running errands all day so my brain is kind of moosh.
But yeah, there’s the update for the time being.

Exhausted

I got a gentle reminder the other day that I had neglected to write in my blog. I thought, “There isn’t really much that can be said.” But I’ve been reflecting again as of late on a few things. I’m going to preface this with a minor warning. It’s going to be ranty. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I’m exhausted, in pain and frustrated. Be warned, there are talks of suicide in this as well.

I attended Pride in Kansas City recently and it was a mixed bag of feelings. It usually is though with the community. On one hand I feel supported in some small way. That existing as I do is ok. On the other, I feel swarmed by judgmental eyes from a lot of the queer community. I know that’s a broad statement and please don’t understand me wrong. I know the majority see equality for everyone. But those bad apples sure do stand out.
But I’m not here to talk about that. Laverne Cox pretty much sums up how I feel about all of that here in this article:Ā Laverne Cox addresses the issues in the LGBTQA community

No, I’m here to talk about the transmen I walked past, shirts no where to be seen, proudly showing their chests. It’s a double edged sword for me. I’m so happy to see them happy with themselves. I truly am and honestly am. But the feelings are quickly overshadowed by jealousy, silent rage and guilt.
I’ve struggled now for 3 years on obtaining my surgery. I’ve exhausted every outlet I can only to show up at a dead end sign, flashing brightly in my face with a curt FU tacked on.
I’m almost at the end of my rope. My patience and denial wear thinner by the day as the pain from my binder slices into my shoulders and sides. The thoughts of being able to just toss a T shirt on haunt me. Not having to twist and struggle to put on this torture device that strains my stomach and restricts my breathing would be a god send.
I’ve grown to self hatred, swearing I would quit smoking but an hour later chain smoke 2 in a row because I just want it to end faster.

I have too much guilt weighing on my heart to ever end it all. I love my family too much to make them suffer any more than they already are. So it’s not so much of a question of will I but more so, when will the thoughts go away? I don’t want to feel like I have to grab the nearest kitchen knife and just do the job myself.

I’ve tried insurance. I’ve tried finding a job that has insurance that covers it. Currently I’ve been with Target for over a year now. But guess what? They keep cutting my hours. I’m trying to hit 30 a week so I qualify but the more I ask, the less hours I get. The resounding no’s echo every day and here I am.. wallowing in what feels like a constant state of frozen eternity.
And don’t get me started on those sites that offer funding. 3 people.. out of hundreds. It’s a damn raffle of chance. I make money so I must be able to save and qualify for help and blah blah blah. So you don’t get any help.
I haven’t been able to save anything higher than $20 to my paycheck in a long damn time. I’ve tried finding better paying jobs but let me tell you.. with 1 car and 3 working adults and no babysitter? Good luck.

The thought of starting a fund me page almost sends me into a spell of sickness and regret. What’s the point? Get maybe $100, sound like a spam bot, and then sink even lower emotionally before I finally admit myself to a hospital because the depression gets to be too much?

I’m at a complete loss. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m exhausted trying to think of ways to get even $500 we won’t need for food let alone a surgery. I don’t qualify for medical credit because I’ve tried and they’ve denied me on more than one occasion. I don’t qualify for medicaid.. not like they’d cover it anyways. The state of Missouri doesn’t require them too and Trump has been dismantling everything in between.

So what’s the point? I just don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t. No one is going to hand me $8,000 to have surgery and insurance that covers it seems like a rich man’s dream. I can’t walk out in public with a C sized chest and just expect to feel even remotely comfortable. And I can’t go through with offing my self.

I’m so unimaginably uncomfortable with this situation it makes my skin crawl.
It’d almost be worth leaving this Earth with a note saying Trump is one of the many reasons I left and send it to the media. Be one last hurrah for others in my situation needing help. But I just can’t.

So here I sit. Typing to the void. I didn’t want to come to my blog today and make it rain bullshit. I honestly didn’t. And it really didn’t help fill the blank space I have inside me either. But here it is. Laid out for whomever decides to read it.

Just know. If you feel the same way. You’re not alone at least.

Drowning in the swamp

So I’ve been contemplating what to post here for about the last week as the dread keeps settling in as news articles clamor on top of one another on my feed.
It’s hard to put into words your anger and distress sometimes. I’ll try and not go on a full tirade as I’m sure a lot of you might feel the same way but I digress. This isn’t going to be easy for me.

As each day passes since the 1st of this year, I feel like I’m already drowning in this country. It’s not even the 20th yet and already I’m sick with anxiety, worry and thoughts of how to escape. Half baked plans of desperation, trying to find holes in the system so we can move before we’re completely stripped of our rights we’ve worked so hard to get.

The first strike: Health insurance in the state I’m in. We obviously had to sign up with the ACA again as none of our employers offer insurance. The issue with that is, our selection was cut in half and rates doubled. I couldn’t continue through United healthcare and had to find one that we could afford that had an obtainable deductible for us. We got stuck with Cigna for literally over double what we paid last year. Cigna doesn’t offer coverage for trans individuals. Plain and simple.
The exert from their 2017 exclusions: “Procedures, surgery or treatments to change characteristics of the body to those of the opposite sex including medical or psychological counseling and hormonal therapy in preparation for, or subsequent to, any such surgery. This also includes any medical, surgical or psychiatric treatment or study related to sex change.

I’m already fucked as far as my transition goes it seems. Feeling hopeless right off the bat this year, this wasn’t going to help my year off with a good note.
But then let’s add the syrup to the shit ice cream sundae and watch a Texas Federal judge block transperson’s rights the day before they’d fully take effect for the ACA!
Link:Ā The BUZZ story

So that’s now 2 hits this first week. Oh and than you have Paul Ryan and the screwed assholes in congress who vow to repeal the whole damn ACA. Bam, 3 strikes we’re out.

What do you even do with this? I mean.. what can we do?

I sat and pondered this pretty much the last couple days. It’s only the 9th. 9 fucking days and I’ve watched my rights stripped and my health coverage goĀ under fire.

Well, fuck it. I’m fighting. I’m not going down without a battle.
I happen to scroll past the Trans rights group on FB posting an article and I spoke up and commented. I’ve since thenĀ been in touch with a lady from PROMO and in the talks of trying to sort out the blatant discrimination in my healthcare.
I’ll be contacting Lambda Legal as well to see where and how far I can go.
Granted, I don’t have the funds at all to hire a lawyer. I’m living on a strict budget. So I suppose we’ll see. But if they find my case noteworthy enough to make waves, I’m gunning all the way. Court dates and all. I’m tired of sitting at home, watching as everything is set on fire around me, expecting others to make my and other’s ways in the world.

How can our legislation deny the AMA(American MedicalĀ Association), APA(American Psychological Association) and countless other accredited organizations? I know.. it’s a rhetorical question. These same people deny 98% of scientists on climate change. *Que eye roll x 1000*

As you can tell, I’ve hit my fuck this shit, mark and I’m fed up. Let’s cross fingers and hope I have some good news for once come soon.

When it comes crashing down.

I just looked back at my last post and feel like everything crashed down around me again. You know that excitement of the last post? It’s gone and I highly doubt it’s going to come back for many years now.

I didn’t update sooner, especially on my surgery part because a series of events took place on Oct 19th that sent me into a spiraling depression and I’m still stuck there. It’s like a nightmare I can’t wake from and with no end in sight.

So… I’ll try and keep this fairly short. I was denied my surgery. My surgeon sent in my paperwork and they denied it even though previously they told me otherwise.
I was told I’d have to appeal it and I was midway into that when I noticed an email from the marketplace saying my tax coverage is being lowered because my kids are on medicaid. Uh.. Wha??? So I spend two weeks trying to get a hold of the medicaid office to figure out what happened and to fix it.
By the time I got replies and a letter etc.. the damage had been done. My insurance company raised my rates, kicking my kids off the coverage and my deductible skyrocketed by $2,000. I called the market place and they had to redo an entire application for us and I was devastated. I told them just to cancel my insurance. There was no point in keeping it. It was back to useless for us again.

I cried so hard that day. I’ve been on the edge of suicidal and lingering on quitting everything. So.. surgery is now out the window for who knows how long.
And then.. the election happens.

I have spent the better part of it now arguing with people who think it’s ok to invalidate my fear.
I can’t write anymore on this. I’m terrified beyond belief right now, sad and depressed. I have no energy left in me to keep speaking to privileged deaf people.

I thought I’d update everyone over here though. No surgery. No insurance right now. Barely a will to live.

 

I’ m covered!

So my paranoia ended up being a good thing!

I got a bit antsy at not knowing whether or not my insurance was going to cover my top surgery. The lady I spoke to yesterday wouldn’t give me a definitive answer and that really bugged me.
So I went looking and asking around for surgery codes today.
Ran across Dr Garramone’s site where they actually listed the codes (what they meant and were for etc) and jotted them down and called my insurance.
I asked for a case manager but was told none was available but the lady said she’d check the codes for me.
After being on hold multiple times, clarifying things and reminding them that they can’t deny me on the basis of being transgender, she came back saying that the surgery and fees are all covered for me!

I’m now tasked with getting 3 letters from my pcp, therapist and surgeon on my documentation of transition, a referral from my pcp to the surgeon and a referral from the surgeon and that’s it.
That’s freaking it. I’m.. so fucking ecstatic. I’m over the moon with delight that over 2 years later, pain, embarrassment, aches and dysphoria, I finally get to have this done and I don’t have to pay a cent.

Just.. going to thank Obama (in the sincerest way, along with the department of justice) because literally without them, I’d still be fucked.

So I have my consultation with the surgeon is on the 19th and the office lady said if everything goes through the insurance smoothly and without issue, I could be scheduled for surgery as early as the 2nd week of October this year.

I’m going to go have a mini celebration of screeching internally for the next hour.

Get angry and doing something about it.

This is what I try and live by most of the time when injustice or discrimination happen to me now a days. I’m tired of laying back and just taking the beating. So I did something about it.

My last journal was about the fact I had called a surgeon in my area to inquire about top surgery, only to find out they don’t offer to put in claims for insurance on trans top surgery. I was livid and hurt that day. I stewed for a couple hours, turning what had happened in my head over and over and finally said, enough is enough.

I called first the Department of Justice. Did the whole ring around the transfer line until I had to leave a message and that pretty much ended up in a dead end.
So I decided the best route would be to call the hospital’s administration office. I did just that and spoke with a really nice lady who was pretty concerned that I was told these things and picked up a claim for me.
The next day I get a call and it’s all been sorted out.

Turns out that they filed so many claims through insurance that kept getting denied that they quit offering to do it. They FAILED to explain that to me which I hope in the future they start to. Also, I ended up educating the office staff about the new ruling that took effect July 18th. Which I hope will be passed along more. It sadly isn’t that big of a thing when it should be!

So thankfully my irony turned into a positive outcome. I’m expecting to schedule my consultation tomorrow and get seen in the next week or so and hopefully get surgery approved and scheduled for next month. Crossing fingers!