So I know I’m not alone in these feelings I’ve had lately. In fact a quick search on Tumblr proves that point. Actually kind of the reason I wanted to get it off my chest since others have as well.
Last Sunday, the 9th, I got to meet up with a group of local FtMs in my area. It was so amazing to meet everyone and chat about problems and things in our lives. It made me feel like I wasn’t so alone in the thoughts I’ve had. Of course me being kind of a modest person I didn’t really bring up some issues I’d been having because I felt I didn’t want to take up other’s talk time ect. But I do have issues. I do have concerns. I often feel lost like I’m just wandering around in a forest during a new moon, no light to guide me.
I don’t actually have any close FtM friends to speak about feelings I have. Sure there are groups I’m apart of and all and I’m sure there are plenty of guys willing to chat with me. But being an introverted, walled up person, it gives me anxiety even trying to start conversations normally with someone. So I’m in this dilemma of sorts that I’ve put my self in. And here I am, just randomly pouring out everything instead to this blog.
I’m in that stuck between the lines situation where you’re on the right path but not really anywhere close to the end either or even the halfway point so to speak. For years I’ve thought long and hard about what would best make me feel like me. I didn’t think about it a whole ton as a kid. Sure I was a tom boy and acted like a male but I never gave it a second thought, nothing that would last longer then a few minutes. But now that I’ve started my journey to finally becoming me, I feel like I’m lagging right now.
And I know it takes time. It’s just frustrating right now. I don’t pass, I obviously still sound female. I have to throw out my birth name for loads of things like my cell phone account, insurance ect. Changing my name is going to take money I don’t have. And I feel a bit bad for my husband. He’s known me for 10 years as a female and he’s trying his darnedest to switch my pronouns(he even catches himself mid way through and corrects himself) and uses my new name whenever he can which makes me feel great but it’s fleeting moments until someone on the phone says yes mam to me and we’re back to square one.
I know my friends must get super tired of hearing things about this. My best friends try to listen and help but I just feel like such a burden if I bring anything up. I feel needy and I hate it. My binder is great but I still don’t feel as flat as I want to be. My massive hips give me away and I feel like I just want to stay inside my house until I feel like when I walk out someone calls me sir instead. Time feels like it’s moving so slow. And I know I’ll look back on this in 6 months and kick my self because it really didn’t but right now I feel like my feet are in molasses.
I’d talk to my therapist but we’ve been playing phone tag trying to reach one another and I got news last Sunday she’s actually leaving the practice so I have to get a hold of someone I can afford because I sure as hell can’t afford $100 an hour for the other lady there. Hell $50 is stretching my budget as is. I’m actually behind on my car insurance because I had to make a few compromises. I feel guilty. Like maybe I should of waited longer to come out. Just dealt with the depression and anxiety longer until we could afford all of this. Between the cost of T, therapist appointments, clothes if I can afford them, the binder ect. It just feels like I’m this massive stupid financial burden on my family. I hate it.
So here is my first emotional road bump in the many to come. I’m left feeling guilty, angry, confused and empty.