I had this dream a few nights ago that left me feeling restless and uneasy lately towards how I view myself and my sexuality and I thought I’d share this little insight I had. I was originally going to not post about this but letting it dwell on myself for a few days, I figured this actually tied in really closely with my transition.
In my dream I was fantasizing about a famous youtuber I watch. I won’t name names because I honestly feel a little embarrassed about it. It’s just a fantasy and it isn’t going to happen so I’ll leave it at that.
So anyways, I was dreaming about this guy coming to visit me, almost like I had won this opportunity for him to do so. I was really really excited and when he showed up I was trying my hardest to make his visit a pleasant one.
Needless to say though as much as he was forcing smiles, I could feel that he was both uncomfortable with me and with what was going on. To set the scene, I was for some reason, living in this nursing home style place but like a normal apartment. I remember saying to him that I lived there because it was cheaper and the old people were quiet after 8pm so it was nice. (I don’t know.. it’s a dream lol)
Well around the end of the dream I am attempting my hardest to woo this guy in my weird apartment. Trying my hardest (and all the while I might mention that I am in first person view, so basically from my own eyes) And he’s standing there as I’m trying to seduce him the best I can, when he looks at me and says, “Hey, I’m sorry but I’m just not into guys that way.”
And literally with those words it’s like my brain had a mild melt down. My view changes and I can see my self and in fact I am how I look now, as a male and this realization just washes over me and I end up waking from the dream. I felt sour and hurt. I wouldn’t call it a nightmare because I wasn’t really afraid, just that a part of me was disappointed and ashamed almost.
Looking back at that dream I know my brain was forcing something that i came to realize about my self earlier in my transition that still sorta depresses me. But in the dream, all that time until the end, I was trying to seduce this guy thinking I was still a women. That I looked like something he would be interested in. That ending shock of knowing though that I’m no longer attractive to straight men anymore just leaves me a bit perplexed with my self.
I’m going to try and explain this the best I can. I’m grasping at how to word this into context correctly so bare with me.
Before I came to realize all of this and transition, I was living as a female. I am a pansexual so my sexuality is open to any gender. In fact gender plays no role in who I choose for sexual and romantic partners. I am more attracted to the person themselves than what is between their legs. But I know that is definitely not the case for everyone. So while I was still presenting female, I would have crushes on guys, girls, whoever. Well whenever I’d have a crush on a male and I’d find out that they were gay, I’d just move on knowing that they weren’t ever going to be interested in me sexually. But that didn’t happen quite that often so I didn’t give much thought to it.
But now it’s changed. The playing field has shifted for me. I was always told, assume straight until proven otherwise. It’s usually safer for all parties involved and so things don’t get totally wicked awkward. So far that’s worked for me.
With that mindset, all I see now is a sea of guys that I can’t ever cozy up to. It’s like looking at a pie chart and the mass majority slice on there is now the grey area. The area I know in my head, that won’t ever give me a second look. And don’t get me started on the gay males because only about 1% of them would even think about doing something with a transmale lol. I’ve read that over and over again.
So as far as sexuality and persons who would even be interested in someone like me, I’m looking at this tiny window of pansexuals, bisexuals, possibly some chunk of women (lesbian and straightish) and that’s about it. I know I sound so ignorant right now. And I’m sure there are ten million different ways to explain this that doesn’t sound like I’m offending everyone ever. I truly don’t mean to come off sounding like anything. I’m just trying to explain this shift of sexuality I’m having lol.
It’s hard to explain what I’m feeling. I wish I knew why I was struggling with this concept. It’s not debilitating or anything but it leaves this weird gap that wasn’t there before. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else talk about this before. Not being sexually appealing to the majority anymore. It’s just something I suppose I’ll have to chew on and give more thought to.
And while I have you here, I just want to make note that the people who have come out of the wood work now that I am a transmale is surprising even to me. I’ve been transitioning for over 7 months now and the amount of females that have come up and wanted to initiate sexual relations with me has taken me aback. If anything I was in the mindset and still sort of am, that I am this bodily contradiction. That I’m not appealing and more just confusing to look at. I’m pre opt everything but testosterone at this moment and while my head and parts of my body scream male, a lot of me still is left female.
I find it shocking that now, of all times in my life, people find me attractive. Before transition usually the male bodied people would express their feelings at me (mostly over the internet) which was something I’ve had happen to me since I began using the internet when I was 16.
But now, 99% are these females coming to me in real life, ones that have known I existed before transition, that are expressing they want to get closer with me and it leaves me blushing and confused. I’m not sure what’s changed except for my outward appearance but from my view point, I don’t find my self that attractive lol. Really though it just leaves me with more questions than answers.
Welp, that was a bit more rambling than I had planned. If anyone has any questions or insight or wants to share their thoughts or feelings on this topic, please feel free to do so. Thanks for reading and have a good one.