It’s weird when our dreams and selves start to finally align. At least it’s weird to me. I’ve heard from a lot of transmen that just knew from day one that they were trans and a guy. And while it’s still fairly the same concept for me, I went un-diagnosed for all of my life. I didn’t have a name or anything to put together with how I was feeling. Of course if I would of known what trans was and that it was possible to be FtM back when I was 12-13 I think my life would of gone much simpler. But that’s not the case here.
I was in denial for 26 years of my life. I forced my self to play female for so long that it’s going to take so many more years to finally break that mentality.
I remember just recently, I was sitting there doing something, and messed up and my brain went, “Darnit (birth name) that’s not right!” and immediately I mentally corrected my self. It’s those little things still that remind me I’m still so new to this. Even if I’ve lived with it for so long.
It was refreshing to find that my dreams though have finally caught up. If you remember, I wrote about a sexually confusing dream I had where I was attempting to woo a straight male and was failing horribly because it dawned on me that I was in fact a male and not attractive to him. This seemed to be a tipping point with me in my dreams. I don’t track them a lot but when they do relate to me being trans I have tried to make note of them as they go by.
For most of my life, in my dreams I was presented as female. On a handful of occasions though I would have dreams I was a male. I remember one still so vividly. It was one of those dreams you could feel it physically as you slept. Felt everything, sensed everything. It was to this day, one of the closest feelings to being a male I’ve had yet. I dreamt that I was having sex with someone (unidentified to this day) and that I had a cispenis. I could literally feel everything down to the orgasm that shook me as I woke up. It felt so different to me and I remember waking up and feeling this was something I wanted so badly.
Besides the few dreams that came before transition there wasn’t any other markers that came in.
But as I came out in January and started this transition, my dreams started to morph with me. Early on I still dreamed sometimes still feeling female, others my gender didn’t matter. After the sexually confusing dream, that seemed to tip my mind over to switching everything. I’m now feeling like I present as a male in my dreams. I’m acknowledged as such as well. It finally feels right to dream most nights when I remember it.
I had a weird little dream, can’t remember much from it, but I was seeing my self from another perspective which hasn’t ever happened before that I can remember. My dreams are always from first person view. But as I stood there next to my husband, the angle was from somewhere else, and the person that identified as me, didn’t look much like me at all. But somewhere I felt it was me. I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t really anything but feeling like my self. I don’t remember a lot sadly. I know that “I” was talking about something and I still remember the setting outside of a barn and hay but that’s it.
The out of body experience though was surely new, and seeing the person claiming to be me, feeling like they were me, but not really looking like I do now was pretty jarring in a small sense.
None the less though, I am finally happy my dreams have caught up with me. I’m nearing the end of 8 months on T, finally presenting and passing more in public every day and finally feeling some sort of comfort in that.