I’ve been contemplating on what to write for my year marker that passed a few days ago and it’s a lot of reflection to go through. I’m a bit late on my post as it seems life is taking a busy swing but here I am to finally ramble about my first year.
I crossed the year mark on Feb 10th for HRT and I’m ecstatic. It’s a moment in my life where, I’m now one year ahead of where I started out and it leaves me happy and hopeful to think of what there is still to come.
I figured I’d start by covering all the physical and emotional changes I’ve experienced so far in the past year. So here comes the list. (remember results may vary lol)
Hair: My hair over this past year has thinned a little bit on my head, my hair pattern and texture also changed and my hair line receded to give a more male look. Hair over my body has darkened and gotten thicker in areas (yes even my butt). Facial hair is still not as thick as I wish it would be but it’s improved a lot. I still have this bald spot under my chin and my cheeks haven’t quite caught up yet either. But I’m easily able to grow a full chin strap and even my mustache has started finally. (Pictures to come below)
Muscle: In the beginning I gained quite a bit of muscle especially on my upper body and legs. This is still there and if I actually worked out as much as I want to, my shoulders would be much broader than they are now lol. Muscles in my hands, feet and chest have also upped and shifted a bit as well, giving the appearance of male muscles.
Fat distribution and skin: I noticed about 9-10 months in my fat I was carrying on my sides and legs shifted slowly. I now have a gut and my hips are less prominent as they were before. My chest tissue and fat also shifted and caused it to slump down (I don’t wear my binder a lot so I’m going to guess this is caused by the shift) As for my face, not a lot has changed since the beginning months. I notice here and there my cheeks look a bit different or my eyes but that’s about it.
My skin has been really aggravating me as of late. I was placed on an oral antibiotic for my acne, which seemed to reduce some of the active heads I had but did not help clear up much at all. I know am experiencing a massive case of dry skin on my head and face too which is uncommon for me. I’ll actually be speaking to my dr about things to help alleviate this issue, as normal scrubbing only breaks and bleeds my skin. So as of right now I am still battling severe acne around my chest, shoulders and mid back.
As for the rest of my skin, it’s thinned out some and my skin texture has also changed from looking soft to more of a masculine look.
Voice: This last one has bugged me as it sounds nothing like I would like it to. My voice was steadily dropping more and more until September hit last year and it halted until recently in January. I have finally hit more male range when speaking on the phone now and being gendered correctly without me saying anything more now vs a few months ago but it’s not consistent and I think I sound more like an effeminate teen rather than a 28 year old man. I’m hoping time is the key to this and eventually it’ll keep dropping as time goes on.
Passing and the emotional side: You know, some days it still blows me away when I’m out in public and I’m gendered correctly. It catches my brain off guard because I try and not think about it much anymore. I was stressing my self out a lot every time I was leaving the house for a while there, trying to correct posture, voice, attitude, make sure my binder kept my chest flat enough. It was a constant battle trying to prove to everyone I was male. Finally I started just not caring. I stopped thinking about it and just did what I had to do and go on with my day. Granted I still catch my self when I’m standing and I correct my self (I’m so used to having my hands on my hips) or if I giggle, not to cover my mouth like a blushing girl etc. but most days now I do my business and it seems that that works best. My dysphoria also hasn’t been as bad, granted I had to stop reading a lot of FtM articles and groups because the amount of dysphoria it would give me hearing the same phrase over and over again, “I’m getting surgery!” would send me into an angered jealous frenzy. So that’s been a bit better now.
So with all of that out of the way, I thought I’d go ahead and update everyone on some changes that are going to be happening which has sent me into busy mode most days now. Husband is finally making more money at his jobs and we just got our 2nd car with our tax return. We’ll be moving housing here in the next 2 months if all things go to plan. We’re also moving in my 2 girlfriends. (Yes we’re poly/non religious) We’ll be leaving to head up to NJ in 2 weeks time to pick up one and than the other is expected to come early summer. On top of all of this, I’ll finally be putting in my name/gender change as soon as I obtain the correct letters which should be by the beginning of March. I’ll also be looking for a second job as well to help out with household funds. Busy busy indeed.
Oh and I’m also switching testosterone hopefully come Monday. I have been having increasingly bad anxiety with giving my self shots every 2 weeks so much so my heart rate jumps, I get light headed/dizzy and sick feeling. I don’t know why really this has started to happen except for the fact I’m just tired of stabbing my self. I don’t mind needles and if someone did it for me I don’t think I’d have this issue but the every 2 week stabbings is really grating on me (and hubs can’t even be in the room when I do my shots cause he hates needles that much so not an option)
I’ll be switching to Androgel if things go well (the daily application gel) and hoping that helps for now.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but now that we’re without health insurance (thank you to the state of Missouri for not passing the extended health care for your citizens) I have to pay out of pocket for my dr apps which sucks a ton. I’m thankfully seeing a new dr who gives discounts to transmen but I fear the lab works are going to be a drain. Crossing fingers that I might get a discount on that too. Androgel here is much more expensive (at least $100 a month from what I’m finding) but to me it’s worth it vs having a full fledged panic attack or worse.
Welp! I’m not rambling so I’m going to close this off and post some photos for anyone who wants to see the changes. It’s been a wonderful year as far as my transition goes and I’m looking forward to this year as well. Thank you to everyone who’s come around, commented and read my ramblings!