It’s been almost 8 years.

As someone who is on the neurodivergent spectrum, I often am faced with a lot of challenges in my daily life and one of those happens to be time blindness. Where, at points in my life it feels like I’m racing down a rollercoaster and the months fly by but, other times it feels like a quick moment can become an eternity. So actively saying, 8 years out loud, leaves me feeling like I have an odd taste in my mouth and brain.
When I look back at the things I’ve wanted to accomplish and where I thought I’d be in my life, I just feel so angry. 8 years have gone by come February of next year. In those 8 years, I have struggled constantly for adequate and stable medical care and I just can’t get there. Every year, every job change, every setback, I’m met with more and more complications and money I have to spend that I don’t have.

In 2014, I started out on testosterone cypionate, just like most of the standard patients who want to go on HRT. Giant needle, vial, and the willpower to stab yourself every other week for the rest of your life. At the end of 2014, I was having severe panic attacks every time I was administering my shot. I had no one else in my life that I trusted to do it, so I turned to my Doctor at the time. I tried the topical cream for about 4 months and lost my mind in 2015 because my Doctor didn’t follow up with blood tests and my hormone levels were non-existent. Late 2015, I’m scraping by because it’s so hard to physically give myself my shot and due to loss of insurance, I was forced to go to a low-income clinic for help instead of my normal Doctor. This is where they started me on Sub-Q shots because they hurt less and by this time the nurses there were pissed at having to administer my shot for me.
My anxiety didn’t get much better but I was able to.. semi-consistently, give myself my shot for the next 5ish years via Sub-Q.
Well, fast-forward to last year, and my Doctor through the low-income clinic, notices my red blood cell levels are elevated. They send me to give blood every 3 months and pretty much leave it at that and then my Doctor ditched me come the beginning of this year to move to a pediatrician.
So now I’ve been seeing someone through a gender clinic in Kansas who now has me trying a new autoinjector to help with my blood cell problems but my insurance is now throwing a fit. $255 a month to be told no.

I can’t win. And 8 years just feels like I’ve been dragged behind a car on a gravel road.
I’m losing my job come the end of December. With that goes my insurance and medications. Missouri Medicaid still refuses to cover transgender healthcare. I have an appointment for a hysterectomy next month and it’ll be pointless.. again. I’m 3 years past due already.

I keep asking myself, when does this end? When can I start feeling like a human being and not some piece of garbage on the side of the road who better just be lucky to be alive? When does that stop? I’ve asked my therapist, my family, friends.. no one knows. What am I supposed to do? My medication, just the 1 for my new testosterone, is $150 per month out of pocket.. discounted. My ADHD medication I’ve needed for the last 5 years now? $350 a month.. with a coupon. It has no generic.
I know I’m depressed. I know and I still can’t get help. Wait times for therapists and counselors have been long, booked, or don’t take insurance. I wanted to get an evaluation done for Autism.. can’t afford that now either.
Am I turning to be an “accountant” in a last-ditch effort to try and gain some control over my life? Maybe. Is it working? Not really.

I wanted my 8th year to look a lot different than it does today and I’ve come to terms with that every year. I get a new job, I wait for the opportunity to get the insurance that covers my medical needs, I go to schedule appts that are months out because everyone is slammed or not doing elective surgeries, and then come time, I have no insurance again and I’m screwed.

I need help. This is my SoS I suppose. How do you feel better without relying on the medical system? What happens if I can’t afford my medications? Are there any data entry jobs that don’t require me to talk on the phone to angry people and pass out from the anxiety that doesn’t require a degree? Cause I can’t find them.. in the worst job market to date.

For real though, I’m going to chuck out my link tree if anyone is interested. I’ve got art and smut and that’s about all I’m ok at if any of that interests you. https://linktr.ee/Hexnbeast
I do want to leave an apology at the end of this long, emotionally chaotic rant. I’m at my lowest, one of those spots where you’re battling really abrasive intrusive thoughts. Everything leads back to money and how I’ll be lacking it come December 31st. (No I can’t get unemployment I’m technically a 1099 employee right now, so I am really SOL). I know this isn’t the wholesome story people want. I hope you have a great day and thank you, seriously, thank you for taking the time to read this. ❤ It does mean a lot.

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