Irony at it’s best, or worst.

Want to hear something fucked up? DOJ (Department of Justice) made new declarations this year that protect transgender people when it comes to coverage and insurance. This took into effect July 18th.
My insurance has to cover my transition related surgeries now and can NOT deny me on the basis that I’m transgender.
I of course have to find a surgeon in my area that’s in my network for this to go through. I have the option to go to an out of network but that’s going to cost me money I don’t have.
I call this surgeon that works under Truman medical here in the KC Metro area. Her top results looked great and I was really leaning on her as my surgeon now.
My shoulder has been hurting a lot lately due to the fact I wear my binder 14-16 hours a day cause fuck my chest.
So I call her office to set up a consultation appointment. The lady says it’ll be $50 up front to make that appointment and I say in my head, “Oh.. well can’t pay for that now but in a few weeks maybe,” and then she goes on to say the dr doesn’t file trans surgeries with insurance. She didn’t say.. she didn’t accept insurance for any other surgery she did.. just trans ones.

What.. the.. fuck?

Like, I’m such a basket of emotions right now. It’s so ironic to me that I wait.. over 2 years to see if I can get insurance that covers trans surgeries because my family and I have been scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck for the last 5+ years so saving on a strict budget is freaking impossible.. and I FINALLY get insurance and they agree to cover it because of the new ruling.. and the one fucking Dr I found in my area that I like.. doesn’t fucking take insurance for TRANS?!

Can you tell I’m just utterly pissed off and dumbfounded?
I’m also seriously crushed right now. It hit me pretty hard when I heard that and then had a fellow transman tell me, “Well insurance should reimburse you!”
Oh, I’m sorry. Did you just assume that I had $7,500+ laying around to get surgery? Did you just.. assume that because you could, everyone can? Cause last I checked, I’ve been living on a strict budget so much so that we barely make food appear before we get paid again. Illness, car issues, my kids.. among just some of the few things that keep fucking up our chance to even save $50 for that consultation let alone seven fucking grand.

So there’s the irony. Get insurance to pay for my top surgery. Get told Dr doesn’t take my insurance because I’m trans.

If my fucking transmission hadn’t gone out 3 weeks ago and my tax return wasn’t needed for a new car.. AGAIN.. I’d gladly just fucking pay for my surgery. But it looks like.. another year has to go by. Just fml.


It’s time for an update

So it’s been a while. Granted, I’ve been working and enjoying summer and that wonderful thing called Pokemon Go. (Seriously, my childhood is being born again)
But I figured it was time to play speedy catch up on what’s happened since my last entry.

Since the last entry, I’ve quit RGIS (the company that the manager outed me at) and started working at Target! I got a call from them about an interview, passed with flying colors and started work a couple months ago now. I have to say I LOVE working for my Target store. I can’t even describe how much of a stark difference it is to every other job I’ve had in the past is. I know it’s retail so let’s reel back the over enthusiasm but for a retail job, it’s fan-freaking-tastic.
I went into my interview and right from the get go told all 3 people who interviewed me that I was trans and that I was there to work. I didn’t want anyone leaking my information to anyone and if it did ever come out, it was because of me and me only. I only have the right to disclose myself. All management were in total agreement and it’s been a freaking blast working there. Everyone genders me correctly, they treat me like an equal and I’m so comfortable with most of them there. I’m starting to make a few friends even which is nice.
The work keeps me busy which makes days fly and management is so enriched in positive vibes towards work that I’m almost drowning in recognition and compliments. You know those boards where it explains the difference between a boss and a leader? My store is run by leaders. Positive, up beat, encouraging leaders and it’s almost like a dream. I actually have ambition to work hard and move up if the opportunity comes. Not to mention, Target pretty much stands for all the things I find important in this world.

So yeah, Target is a great job lol. I work pretty hard and end up walking about 5 miles in a 4-5 hour shift a lone. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight which is really awesome. I hope by the end of this year that it’s slimmed down my hips and love handles a bit more cause they really stick out a lot and it’s super annoying.

On the note about my psychologist, we’ve obviously spoke since my last entry and we started on Adderall a while ago. I started at 10mg then upped eventually to 30mg of the slow release. Sadly all it did was make me more peppy during the day with a crappy crash around 5pm. I went to my Dr to ask about other options since it wasn’t really working and she backed down saying she’d rather I go to a psychiatrist so that’s next to do on my list once I pay for my health insurance.

Another little bump, we’re broke as hell. BUT that should be changing come next month. My husband FINALLY after months of working at $12 an hour(which was what has put us in the hole), he’s getting a promotion and raise! Pretty excited on that front.

Once insurance is paid off, I’ll be scheduling to get a hysto done by the end of this year and then looking at top surgery options. The only crap part of this is, my insurance I currently have now, will no longer exist come next year. It’s being disbanded so I have to reapply all over again for something different then. But on the bright note, I can’t be denied for top/hysto/or any other surgery/medication I need now with being transgender. As of yesterday the 18th, insurance companies receiving government funding have to cover trans persons! How awesome is that?!

Anyways, enough rambling about random topics for now. Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated. When I get my hysto stuff figured out I will let everyone know how that goes. Working your way through the system isn’t pleasant so hopefully I’ll find a way to do it with minimal headache.

That’s it for me. Have a good one everyone!

P.s. I’ll update the gallery as well with a new pic.

Started a new job, already outed.

Why can’t people just keep shit to themselves? Information that they had no right to even express to anyone else? Not even there for over a week and already half or more of the crew I work with knows I’m trans now all because the area manager/hiring manager decided to open his big mouth for no reason what so ever but to create that “shock” value.

And guess what’s happening now that they know? My shift leads are misgendering me. I get funny looks from people and I’m ignored. I’ve corrected them and am simply ignored. Couldn’t even make it a week without being outed. And of course my husband and family doesn’t understand. The anxiety I get from being disrespected and treated differently is through the roof. I just want to go to work, work and go home. No one needed to know I was trans in order for work to get done. But here I am.

Can you tell I’m angry? To those who read my entry about working last year at Coleman, you can already probably see the path this is going to head down to eventually. So guess what I’m doing this weekend? Applying for yet another job.

It’s already bad enough I have to pick up work on top of everything else going on in my life, just so I can pay to get my teeth fixed and save for top surgery, but to be treated like a walking freak along with it? Nope, not going to happen.

I noticed the Target in my city is hiring. Maybe I’ll get lucky. And this time if I get hired, I’m making it crystal clear, I don’t want to be outed. I want to be seen as the male I am. I want others to see the hard work I do and that’s it.

On a mild unrelated note, the psychologist I’ve seen now 3 times is either forgetting what mental disorders are, or hasn’t schooled herself in anything new in the last 5 years. I’ve been diagnoised with bipolar(in 2008) adhd(in early 2000’s) and severe anxiety disorder(this year). She seems to think, even though I have all the signs and symptoms of bipolar (at least a milder case of it) that instead it’s all just my adhd and I may not be bipolar! I’m face desking right now just fyi. Yes, anxiety/adhd/bipolar all have bounce off symptoms that can overlap into one another. It sucks that I suffer from a lot of the symptoms that all 3 disorders cause. So I get it, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s causing what. But to just dismiss my 8 years of bipolar to shove it off onto my other disorder? That seems a bit wonky and ill informed.
Speaking she wants to put me on Adderall which isn’t great for bipolar or anxiety. Don’t get me wrong. The anxiety, a good chunk of it, is caused by the adhd. It’s a miracle I can get through these posts without shouting, “Squirrel!” 5 times and back pedaling the backspace key 50 million times. I know I suffer from the conditions. I’m ok to get medical help seeing as the “natural green” medicine isn’t available nor advised seeing as it comes with the 10 year jail sentence. It was just pretty frustrating hearing that from someone I had placed my trust in. And the thought of ditching her for someone else so soon, makes my stomach turn. It feels rude to me. I don’t want to be wishywashy.

So that was my day/week. I just needed to get that out of my head properly.
With so much of the bathroom rights things circle jerking my FB feed daily, a lot of people forget there are other hurdles transgenders have to face, such as being respected at work.

Let’s talk about bathrooms.

I figured it was time to update the blog look again. Something cleaner, less notebookish. I have to make a new banner later because my face plastered that large up at top kind of makes me feel weird. But other than that, I’m digging it.

I’m going to kind of go on a small tangent about bathrooms and all those laws trying to pop up recently. If you haven’t kept up with the news recently, North Carolina is receiving backlash lately because their governor is a transphobic man who decided that trans persons weren’t really people and thus must go to the bathroom that corresponds with their both sex at birth. I’ll catch you up to date:

North Carolina of course isn’t the only one pushing bills around willy nilly and trying to get them passed. 28 states have introduced bills similar to NC this year! My state included! Kansas wants to reward those who can even catch transpersons using the “wrong” bathroom! How ludicrous is this? I’d say “Trump crazy” levels.
Here is a great article covering the bills:

I’m not one for going willy nilly on politics but I’ll be damned if I let them run rampant against so many of my brothers and sisters and even my self. My own coward of a state is following the trend and it’s sickening. It pains me to see these bills, some passing, popping up everywhere. A lot of these bills are being passed mainly against transwomen because of this religious and blind fear of the unknown. Attempting to ban us from the public, like it’s going to make it better for everyone. They tried it with the gay/lesbian movement and now it’s popular to target the trans.
The issue here is trans isn’t as supported as the gay/lesbian movement. We don’t have nearly the large upswing as it has garnered over the years. Even some of our LG sides have fallen short in helping. We need all the help we can get. We really do.

I want to link one last site that is an action site, explaining per state, what bills are in and how to take action.

I’m wanting to go to college this year. I don’t want to be driven away from my education because I’m not allowed to use the restroom I identify with. I don’t want others in that same position either. My children need a better future to live in. This lunacy has got to end. If you could take a moment, share, speak up or contact your local state and voice your opinion, it’d mean the absolute world to all of us. And when it comes time to vote? Vote to get these narrow minded idiots out of their seats. Not just on the presidential level, but your state level, city level and so forth. You have the right to vote and change the future for so many. I urge you to do so.

To the girl I still love.

It’s been 2 years since I started this journey. 2 years of becoming the person I was meant to be. The one I held in for so long, suffering in silence. The person I kept a secret, denied and made invisible. In the 2 years since letting this person go free, I have grown, become educated more so and finally am able to walk as upright as I can. I have found a voice with in myself that I didn’t think I had. I’ve found a new career to push towards and I’ve met amazing people along the way.
The girl I was born as is still there, nestled against my heart. She will never go away and I’m ok with that. She will forever be apart of myself even if my appearance says otherwise. I learned a lot from her in my life and she shaped me to who I am today. I hold no grudge for her holding me back for so long. She must of known that it was time for her to let go and move on.
I am and always was meant to be a man. My brain was born with that part saying so. Science hasn’t figured out why but I am ok not knowing.
I am grateful that in my life I get to walk and live as the man I was meant to be. My puzzle piece has been found.
I will keep growing, learning and moving forward. In another two years I will be further than I was today. I will not be stuck in the same place like I had been for so many years before.
To the past and younger me, it’s ok that we waited. It’s ok that you held me in for as long as you did. You had good reason to protect this part of us. I will be strong now for us both and will keep you on our journey for the rest of our days.

Thank you to every single person who believed in me even when you didn’t understand. No one is to blame for anything. You never lost that daughter, she’s still here, she just realized that /she/ was no longer able to go on as the way she was. I am not a monster, I am not a freak. I am a human being. I am a man and I will die that way. Be it that my appearance changed, the person inside is still the same, albeit the wiser now.
I’ll still love you, listen to you and care for you the same as before and I am eternally grateful to those who knew this and support me daily. Loosing a gender, while jarring as it can be, doesn’t have to be a funeral.
I hope one day people will see it as a celebration. Instead of grieving the loss, celebrate the new beginning. Rejoice that this person finally found their puzzle piece and hope for better days of happiness for them.

Just a pretty face and nothing more.

Can we for a moment talk about that part of the internet where people have been tagging #thisiswhattranslookslike everywhere? It’s a visibility campaign to show others that we are just every day people just like everyone else. It’s a wonderful thing to do and I fully support and back it.
But when does it turn from a good thing to a hurtful and possibly dangerous thing?
When ‘famous’ transpersons decide that the selfie train shouldn’t stop. That instead of taking part of their visibility and following to do something good with it, they decide that they’ll turn a buck and potentially harm others instead because their ‘selfie’ was too important to pass up.

I am livid. Infuriated, that this is what it’s boiling down to. That this is somehow accepted vs actual help for the community. When do we draw the line?

Confused? I’ll show you. Example A: Screenshot 2016-02-05 22.15.57

This is what has me set off. Here we see ‘famous’ Aydian Dowling, lack of smile, sad big doe eyes.. and the caption mentions he was taken a back by a trans murder that he was e-mailed about. This of course warranted for him to /show you/ how upset he clearly is and then promptly followed by 4 emoji heart icons and than a bunch of spewed hash tagged words.
I mean come on! Look at how upset he is everyone! That’s the face of a man who clearly had to pull out his camera and just /shoowww you/ how awful he feels. That warrants something right? I mean, clearly this is somehow helping the community. All the swooning comments of how handsome he is, obviously got the message across.

Can you feel my sarcasm from across the internet? Good. So I of course, obviously sighting something missing, decided to chime in. I’m apart of the community, I surely have a voice I can use. Let’s go for it. Example B:
Screenshot 2016-02-05 22.12.16.png

Here you see the wild Hex in his habitat. Putting in a word of advice or even just a suggestion. One that I wasn’t seething hate from, not a curse word in sight. In fact I give my self a small pat on the back for not blowing up. (thanks me!)
And then que his fans. Ones who clearly missed the point I was trying to make, just like Aydian did. Surprise surprise!

Yeah, sure.. that sad selfie is surely going to save someone… not.

When did people think it was ok to stick their necks out for their communities and than fall completely off the bandwagon, off the road, out of the ditch and into a river? When did it become acceptable to be allowed to a mass a shit ton of followers, whom you could have a positive sway over and instead whore yourself out for the likes? And people think Caitlyn is bad for the community. Let’s take a nice hard long look at this guy shall we?

Dear Aydian here runs a clothing company that claims they ‘help’ the trans community. They give free binders to those in need and help raise funds for the lucky few who win their lotto to get surgery. That sounds amazing right? Until you dig a little deeper.
That free binder program? Free sounds so great, especially to the dirt poor trans person who can’t even keep a job because they keep getting fired for BEING TRANS! Well think again poor trans person! Aydian wants you to buy one of this T shirts first! You’ve gotta spend that money to get that free binder! Gotta look swag in his apparel. Oh don’t have money for that $20 T-shirt? Go beg somewhere else!

So you say to yourself, ok I’ll just enter his once a year drawing to get top surgery! I won’t even need a binder than if I just get the funds right? WRONG! Oh boy I even looked into this one because, as previously mentioned in another blog post, I can’t afford top surgery. Insurance doesn’t cover it, my state hasn’t made it legal and I have 2 kids to take care of on the already limited income we do have. So you bet your bottom I went looking to apply to be in his top surgery drawing. It went great until I read the list of requirements to apply. To apply, applicants must have saved up past a certain goal of money! On top of that, the funds he gives are meant only to get you to the rest of your end goal and you have only so long to get that top surgery or else he wants that money back!
Welp, count my ass out and god only knows how many other transmen in my position.

So, let’s recap! If you’re poor(which makes up 15% of trans, (vs 4% of the general population of the US) or even struggling to make ends meet, been fired recently from a job because you’re trans etc, than don’t turn to Aydian Dowling. He’s not going to help you.
If you’re in a dire situation, you ran across his page just recently and needed some help, but low and behold didn’t find any but a bunch of selfies and self positive messages, well.. you’re screwed as far as he’s concerned.
If you really needed that number for the trans suicide hotline but couldn’t remember it because Aydian decided his lean muscle was more important, you’re not alone.
And oh if your parents are kicking you out and you needed to remember that shelter number for trans youth? Welp.. out of luck again. Your hunky Aydian didn’t decide you were important enough because his gym selfie was.

Do you see the issue here??! When do we get to stand up and say, “Hey, this isn’t what the community needs!” It’s great you’re visible. So much so you were on TV. Congradulations Aydian. Honestly, I do mean that part. You’ve come leaps and bounds as far as the trans community goes for visibility. Other than that? You haven’t done shit with it. You haven’t grassrooted correctly. Instead of helping the lesser of us wallowing on the bottom, just trying to make ends meet, you decided you’d be the pretty face instead.
You’ve lost my support and two years of looking up to you. God only knows how many lives have been lost instead because someone looked up to you and didn’t get the help they really needed. I know I couldn’t live with that guilt.


2 years of changes and a new life.

You know when you’re sitting there and you take a moment to look back at what’s happened to get you to where you’re at right now and it all just leaves you kind of awe struck? That’s me currently.

It’ll be 2 years come February 11th since I started HRT. It’s now been 2 years since I came out to my husband and family. A lot has changed and not just appearance wise. My life has changed, my perspective has changed, my opinions and goals have changed. And change doesn’t have to be a bad thing either. I would say my changes have been for the better in most cases. Granted, the ability to be on the other side of the fence as far as being a minority leaves me bitter hearted and struggling. But the other changes have been for the better and I am thankful I took the steps needed to get to where I’m at today. I don’t regret my decision, I stand proud for it.

For those of you who are curious about the physical changes for a person on HRT for 2 years now, I’ll kind of do a run down but you can also check out my gallery to see the changes as well.
At the 2 year mark, my voice is still kinda going everywhere. It also didn’t help I was sick for a month straight with what had to be the worst head cold of my life. Lost my voice for a full week and a half, throat is still sore some days and my ears ache and it’s been going on 2 months now. But I will say my voice on average passes now most times over the phone and for sure in person. If you would of caught me last year that wouldn’t of been the case.
As far as things like muscle and body fat, everything seems to be in place. I still need to loose about 50lbs ideally but still not there.
Facial hair is alright. I wouldn’t say it’s where I want it to be by a long shot but I’m happy with what my genes gave me. I still have a baldish/thin spot under my chin but the middle of my chin is finally filling in. the sides are starting, very slowly, to grow up but around the rest of it, it’s still fairly thin. I tossed around the idea to use Rogaine and I have a bottle in my cabinet but I haven’t gotten to the point of using it daily.

As for everything else, such as top surgery plans and so forth go, I have none. We just don’t make enough to cover the Dr I want to see and getting to that point is going to take a long while. I want to save up, I do. But I have 2 children to take care of first. And their health and happiness will come before mine. I just have to keep avoiding the squealing happy men running rampant on my social media that get the chance to get it done instead. I get severely depressed and angry every single time I read a post about it.

So apart from all the physical changes at 2 years, the emotional ones I think are far greater. Daily I find my paranoia kicks in about my safety or I’ll see posts reminding me that my state doesn’t believe I’m a decent human being and that I’m some maniacal rapist who enjoys torturing people in public bathrooms and thus I don’t deserve even basic human rights. It’s stressful, it’s infuriating, it dumbfounds me.
The state of Missouri is so pretentious in their religious standing that I’m fearful of even getting a job. What’s the point? I could be fired and can’t do a damn thing about it.

I managed to finally secure health insurance over the market place this year and surprise surprise, none of them covered trans. Not a one. Oh their private insurance does, for a nice lump sum of $500+ a month, but forget it if you have to purchase publicly.
I’m actually pretty tempted for when I pay off our deductible, to start raising hell. I’ve spoken with a few people and I hope to get in contact soon with a LGBT lawyer who might have some insight into the process of fighting the company and the state. I’ll be damned if I don’t go down without a fight. I’m quite alright speaking my mind and I’ll do so if need be.

Aside from the blatant inequality I live in day to day, there isn’t much more to go on about. I know I don’t update very regularly and to be honest, I could if I wanted to turn this blog into a rally for rights informative thing. But I don’t. If you know a few LGBT people, especially T, you’ll already know the backwards and screwed up legislation. And if you don’t, a quick google search will inform you. Spamming here, what already countless blogs and news sites do, wouldn’t help. So for now I’ll keep it to strictly my life and how it all effects me.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. For giggles sake I’ll include my pre-T picture here and than one of me last week for fun comparison. Have a good one!