Drowning in the swamp

So I’ve been contemplating what to post here for about the last week as the dread keeps settling in as news articles clamor on top of one another on my feed.
It’s hard to put into words your anger and distress sometimes. I’ll try and not go on a full tirade as I’m sure a lot of you might feel the same way but I digress. This isn’t going to be easy for me.

As each day passes since the 1st of this year, I feel like I’m already drowning in this country. It’s not even the 20th yet and already I’m sick with anxiety, worry and thoughts of how to escape. Half baked plans of desperation, trying to find holes in the system so we can move before we’re completely stripped of our rights we’ve worked so hard to get.

The first strike: Health insurance in the state I’m in. We obviously had to sign up with the ACA again as none of our employers offer insurance. The issue with that is, our selection was cut in half and rates doubled. I couldn’t continue through United healthcare and had to find one that we could afford that had an obtainable deductible for us. We got stuck with Cigna for literally over double what we paid last year. Cigna doesn’t offer coverage for trans individuals. Plain and simple.
The exert from their 2017 exclusions: “Procedures, surgery or treatments to change characteristics of the body to those of the opposite sex including medical or psychological counseling and hormonal therapy in preparation for, or subsequent to, any such surgery. This also includes any medical, surgical or psychiatric treatment or study related to sex change.

I’m already fucked as far as my transition goes it seems. Feeling hopeless right off the bat this year, this wasn’t going to help my year off with a good note.
But then let’s add the syrup to the shit ice cream sundae and watch a Texas Federal judge block transperson’s rights the day before they’d fully take effect for the ACA!
Link: The BUZZ story

So that’s now 2 hits this first week. Oh and than you have Paul Ryan and the screwed assholes in congress who vow to repeal the whole damn ACA. Bam, 3 strikes we’re out.

What do you even do with this? I mean.. what can we do?

I sat and pondered this pretty much the last couple days. It’s only the 9th. 9 fucking days and I’ve watched my rights stripped and my health coverage go under fire.

Well, fuck it. I’m fighting. I’m not going down without a battle.
I happen to scroll past the Trans rights group on FB posting an article and I spoke up and commented. I’ve since then been in touch with a lady from PROMO and in the talks of trying to sort out the blatant discrimination in my healthcare.
I’ll be contacting Lambda Legal as well to see where and how far I can go.
Granted, I don’t have the funds at all to hire a lawyer. I’m living on a strict budget. So I suppose we’ll see. But if they find my case noteworthy enough to make waves, I’m gunning all the way. Court dates and all. I’m tired of sitting at home, watching as everything is set on fire around me, expecting others to make my and other’s ways in the world.

How can our legislation deny the AMA(American Medical Association), APA(American Psychological Association) and countless other accredited organizations? I know.. it’s a rhetorical question. These same people deny 98% of scientists on climate change. *Que eye roll x 1000*

As you can tell, I’ve hit my fuck this shit, mark and I’m fed up. Let’s cross fingers and hope I have some good news for once come soon.


When it comes crashing down.

I just looked back at my last post and feel like everything crashed down around me again. You know that excitement of the last post? It’s gone and I highly doubt it’s going to come back for many years now.

I didn’t update sooner, especially on my surgery part because a series of events took place on Oct 19th that sent me into a spiraling depression and I’m still stuck there. It’s like a nightmare I can’t wake from and with no end in sight.

So… I’ll try and keep this fairly short. I was denied my surgery. My surgeon sent in my paperwork and they denied it even though previously they told me otherwise.
I was told I’d have to appeal it and I was midway into that when I noticed an email from the marketplace saying my tax coverage is being lowered because my kids are on medicaid. Uh.. Wha??? So I spend two weeks trying to get a hold of the medicaid office to figure out what happened and to fix it.
By the time I got replies and a letter etc.. the damage had been done. My insurance company raised my rates, kicking my kids off the coverage and my deductible skyrocketed by $2,000. I called the market place and they had to redo an entire application for us and I was devastated. I told them just to cancel my insurance. There was no point in keeping it. It was back to useless for us again.

I cried so hard that day. I’ve been on the edge of suicidal and lingering on quitting everything. So.. surgery is now out the window for who knows how long.
And then.. the election happens.

I have spent the better part of it now arguing with people who think it’s ok to invalidate my fear.
I can’t write anymore on this. I’m terrified beyond belief right now, sad and depressed. I have no energy left in me to keep speaking to privileged deaf people.

I thought I’d update everyone over here though. No surgery. No insurance right now. Barely a will to live.


Get angry and doing something about it.

This is what I try and live by most of the time when injustice or discrimination happen to me now a days. I’m tired of laying back and just taking the beating. So I did something about it.

My last journal was about the fact I had called a surgeon in my area to inquire about top surgery, only to find out they don’t offer to put in claims for insurance on trans top surgery. I was livid and hurt that day. I stewed for a couple hours, turning what had happened in my head over and over and finally said, enough is enough.

I called first the Department of Justice. Did the whole ring around the transfer line until I had to leave a message and that pretty much ended up in a dead end.
So I decided the best route would be to call the hospital’s administration office. I did just that and spoke with a really nice lady who was pretty concerned that I was told these things and picked up a claim for me.
The next day I get a call and it’s all been sorted out.

Turns out that they filed so many claims through insurance that kept getting denied that they quit offering to do it. They FAILED to explain that to me which I hope in the future they start to. Also, I ended up educating the office staff about the new ruling that took effect July 18th. Which I hope will be passed along more. It sadly isn’t that big of a thing when it should be!

So thankfully my irony turned into a positive outcome. I’m expecting to schedule my consultation tomorrow and get seen in the next week or so and hopefully get surgery approved and scheduled for next month. Crossing fingers!

Irony at it’s best, or worst.

Want to hear something fucked up? DOJ (Department of Justice) made new declarations this year that protect transgender people when it comes to coverage and insurance. This took into effect July 18th.
My insurance has to cover my transition related surgeries now and can NOT deny me on the basis that I’m transgender.
I of course have to find a surgeon in my area that’s in my network for this to go through. I have the option to go to an out of network but that’s going to cost me money I don’t have.
I call this surgeon that works under Truman medical here in the KC Metro area. Her top results looked great and I was really leaning on her as my surgeon now.
My shoulder has been hurting a lot lately due to the fact I wear my binder 14-16 hours a day cause fuck my chest.
So I call her office to set up a consultation appointment. The lady says it’ll be $50 up front to make that appointment and I say in my head, “Oh.. well can’t pay for that now but in a few weeks maybe,” and then she goes on to say the dr doesn’t file trans surgeries with insurance. She didn’t say.. she didn’t accept insurance for any other surgery she did.. just trans ones.

What.. the.. fuck?

Like, I’m such a basket of emotions right now. It’s so ironic to me that I wait.. over 2 years to see if I can get insurance that covers trans surgeries because my family and I have been scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck for the last 5+ years so saving on a strict budget is freaking impossible.. and I FINALLY get insurance and they agree to cover it because of the new ruling.. and the one fucking Dr I found in my area that I like.. doesn’t fucking take insurance for TRANS?!

Can you tell I’m just utterly pissed off and dumbfounded?
I’m also seriously crushed right now. It hit me pretty hard when I heard that and then had a fellow transman tell me, “Well insurance should reimburse you!”
Oh, I’m sorry. Did you just assume that I had $7,500+ laying around to get surgery? Did you just.. assume that because you could, everyone can? Cause last I checked, I’ve been living on a strict budget so much so that we barely make food appear before we get paid again. Illness, car issues, my kids.. among just some of the few things that keep fucking up our chance to even save $50 for that consultation let alone seven fucking grand.

So there’s the irony. Get insurance to pay for my top surgery. Get told Dr doesn’t take my insurance because I’m trans.

If my fucking transmission hadn’t gone out 3 weeks ago and my tax return wasn’t needed for a new car.. AGAIN.. I’d gladly just fucking pay for my surgery. But it looks like.. another year has to go by. Just fml.

Let’s talk about bathrooms.

I figured it was time to update the blog look again. Something cleaner, less notebookish. I have to make a new banner later because my face plastered that large up at top kind of makes me feel weird. But other than that, I’m digging it.

I’m going to kind of go on a small tangent about bathrooms and all those laws trying to pop up recently. If you haven’t kept up with the news recently, North Carolina is receiving backlash lately because their governor is a transphobic man who decided that trans persons weren’t really people and thus must go to the bathroom that corresponds with their both sex at birth. I’ll catch you up to date: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/03/30/nc-transgender-bathroom-ban-is-a-national-embarrassment-says-ag-as-pilloried-law-becomes-key-election-issue/

North Carolina of course isn’t the only one pushing bills around willy nilly and trying to get them passed. 28 states have introduced bills similar to NC this year! My state included! Kansas wants to reward those who can even catch transpersons using the “wrong” bathroom! How ludicrous is this? I’d say “Trump crazy” levels.
Here is a great article covering the bills: http://www.hrc.org/blog/anti-lgbt-bills-introduced-in-28-states

I’m not one for going willy nilly on politics but I’ll be damned if I let them run rampant against so many of my brothers and sisters and even my self. My own coward of a state is following the trend and it’s sickening. It pains me to see these bills, some passing, popping up everywhere. A lot of these bills are being passed mainly against transwomen because of this religious and blind fear of the unknown. Attempting to ban us from the public, like it’s going to make it better for everyone. They tried it with the gay/lesbian movement and now it’s popular to target the trans.
The issue here is trans isn’t as supported as the gay/lesbian movement. We don’t have nearly the large upswing as it has garnered over the years. Even some of our LG sides have fallen short in helping. We need all the help we can get. We really do.

I want to link one last site that is an action site, explaining per state, what bills are in and how to take action. http://www.transequality.org/action-center

I’m wanting to go to college this year. I don’t want to be driven away from my education because I’m not allowed to use the restroom I identify with. I don’t want others in that same position either. My children need a better future to live in. This lunacy has got to end. If you could take a moment, share, speak up or contact your local state and voice your opinion, it’d mean the absolute world to all of us. And when it comes time to vote? Vote to get these narrow minded idiots out of their seats. Not just on the presidential level, but your state level, city level and so forth. You have the right to vote and change the future for so many. I urge you to do so.

I really really dislike older people

You know, it’s pretty bad when I silently cheer when I see a story of older seniors (60+) who actually support the more open view of the world. It feels like, especially in this state, there are so few that you’re living in a silent cage where if you say something non conforming you’ll get your head chewed off or worse.

Today’s rant comes from the recent events with my son’s psychologist. The type of person who’s 70+, who’s polite enough not to say mean things to your face but their behavior and what they do say are just as damning.

I spent a solid week calling every number I could to find my son a therapist or psychologist because he’d been showing signs of ADHD since he was little. Well he started school this year and symptoms at school showed through, got worse etc. Placed in a new environment and all his teacher was concerned and so was I. So I called and called only to be told we don’t see kids that young or we don’t take that insurance. Finally found someone after that full week of anxiety and disappointment.
Make appointment and take him in. He’s bouncing all over the room, can’t stay focused for the life of him. He never really can unless it’s a topic he’s interested in. Talking to a women in her 70’s who would shake and cough wasn’t on his top list etc.
Anyways, she starts speaking to him while I’m filling out paper work the whole hour and a half. She makes a clear statement that he’s for sure ADHD and recommended force factor for kids and sets up a full evaluation and test appointment.

I purchase the focus factor and we continue that but doesn’t seem to be doing much. Get to his appointment, he goes in and I’m sitting outside waiting for an hour. I overhear pretty much everything he and her are talking about. She gets to pictures of adults and he says, “I don’t want to talk about that” Of course that peaked her interest and she starts asking him why and he ignores her and finally after prodding, he says, “They’re mean.”
So she finishes 5 minutes later and comes to question me. She asks if he’s been abused etc and I’m like.. “uh no? The most physical contact I’ve ever had with my son was a swift swat on the butt if he’s done something dangerous or dire. I’ve always stood by punishment being time out or a stern talking to. She looks down at me and asks how long I’ve been with him in his life. I answer of course, all of it. She asks where the mother is. At this point I have to break my silence and tell her I’m the birth parent. She gets even more confused and pushes who the mother is to which I have to tell her I am the mother.

The look of squeamish grossness she had was enough to make me go into a panic attack. I was so lighted headed as I felt my heart rate jump through my chest after outing my self. She then keeps pushing if there was anything as to why he’d say what he did. I’m now stammering as I’m trying to push through the damn adrenaline rush and explain that it could be a simple thing of him not liking us telling him what to do since the only thing we’ve ever done is raise our voices when he’d be screaming at us.

So she takes a jot down on her papers and switches gears. Well your son seems to have anxiety and he might be a touch of ADHD and maybe even PTSD. I’m silently screaming in my head that she’s going to blame this on my transgender status. I thankfully wasn’t told that in person. But she starts blabbing on about things with anxiety and how it’s hereditary which I can agree on seeing as I was having a damn anxiety attack right then.
After she stops repeating her self and going in circles she finally goes, “So we’ll see if we can get him a therapist or someone to take over his care and I’ll call you with recommendations later on” and I nod and just leave as quick as I could I was so mad at that point. The first appointment she said nothing but how she’d work one on one with him through his behavior issues and now she’s changed her tune once she found out I was trans.

I just got a call a few minutes from her. Our last appointment was last Tuesday so I’ve waited a while since she decided to call back. She says she’s done with her evaluation and has diagnosed him with mild ADHD, anxiety and speech impediments.(He has a slight lisp) and stuck her ground with him seeing someone else but gave me no numbers or names this time. Said she’d e-mail his eval to me and I can do whatever I want with it.

Hours waiting.. calling and I just magically fall on an old lady who decided my trans identity was more important than my son’s mental health. Great. I mean on one side of it I’m glad I avoided her in the long run if she was going to be this way about it all but on the other I’m now left with searching again for a therapist which is hard to come by apparently.

And you know, this isn’t the first time this crap has happened. Being a trans parent with a male spouse is like the perfect concoction to get called out and fucked over on. I /shouldn’t/ have to ask every time I call a new place if they are LGBT friendly just so I’m not treated like a freak of nature or worse.
I’m legit scared she’ll call child services still at this point against me being an emotional fuck up to my children because I’m trans.
I can’t wait till all the bitter, close minded old assholes leave this planet. If anything it’s one of the few reasons I’m still alive. So I can watch them all fall off and never bother me or others again.

On a mildly crappy note, my generic T is back ordered and won’t be available till beginning of December so I’m stuck paying $57 for a month supply until then. And the trans top surgery contest I wanted to enter, I couldn’t because one of the stipulations was you had to be saving up for it already. Kinda hard when I have two children to worry about first. Just fml.

Still alive. One fucked up year.

Not going to go diving into details but it’s been a roller coaster this year. Enough said there.

I figured I’d go ahead and update my blog seeing as I’ve let it severely slip. I wanted to touch base on a few things that happened to me transition wise though this year.

So during my messy life I ended up getting a few jobs over the summer from a staffing agency. One of which where I worked at Coleman in a distribution center. The job its self was pretty alright. Met an awesome friend and I enjoyed working there for the most part up until I came to realize everyone on my shift knew I was trans and I was working with 90% of backwoods people who were close minded christian. You can expect, of course, my soon comfy job become more of an example why I enjoyed working at home and hated this country. Two weeks in I get pulled back to the office by my supervisor and told that because of complaints I wasn’t allowed to use the men’s restroom anymore because my genitalia I was born with don’t match the restroom I was using. I was not happy. In fact I left early that night I was so angry. I refused to be segregated and they were refusing me my right to use a bathroom that I not only identify with but pass to use.
So the next day I called a few lawyers and my staffing agency about the issue and thankfully before work started that night, HR cleared up everything and I was cleared to use the men’s restroom again. I just personally want to thank OSHA for sending out the trans guidelines literally days before this went down or else I could of been looking at a lawsuit and no job.

But of course, there was drama. Always drama of self entitled old men who feel they can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions because a “vagina” was walking into their “private” space. Gods forbid. I’ll never understand this. It’s common sense. You feel you are unstable enough to not rape someone in a bathroom, you should seek mental help and remove yourself from that situation. Not remove the “threat” or “trap”. It’s that fucking simple.
So a week later I decided to switch job assignments because I was actually afraid of being jumped in the parking lot to my car.

A few job assignments later I said fuck the industry and leveled my life out again.

So yeah, work harassment is a thing people. Whispers get around. It’s absolutely vile and people wonder why a majority of transpersons are in the poverty level. Would you want to work in a place where you had to look over your shoulder all the time to make sure you weren’t going to be assaulted or raped? Would you want to stick out like a sore thumb after reporting your fears? Or worse yet, find your bosses don’t think any better of you either? We all have to make a wage and a living here. Why am I or others held to the same standard as everyone else but are beaten down when we try? The hypocrisy is real.

And to those who think having a transperson in your bathroom is a threat, please bring up the verified articles and police reports showing an actual transperson assaulting or raping someone in a bathroom. Good luck finding it. There hasn’t been a reported, verified case of it in the US. But on the other hand? Cis persons have done it to trans. Plenty of that out there though.
All we want to do is use the bathroom for it’s intended use. We all pee and poop. Every one of us and the general populace uses a toilet.
If your solution to this is to segregate us instead for your comfort, please seek the nearest history book and look up racial segregation. Because if it’s not because of our race, it’s because of our gender, sexual identity, religion, the list goes on. Quit trying to separate people into neat little boxes. We don’t need it. You my friend though could use to ask yourself some very deep questions as to why you’d need to feel comfortable separating yourself from other humans to get through your day and sleep at night.

There’s my rant for the day. I just had to get that off my chest. As a transperson my life is going to be filled with bullshit. Quit adding more onto my plate. That’s all I ask.

On a better note, got back with my Dr about my T and levels are getting better. No more shark weeks and I’m now getting .5c of T a week. I’m feeling much better now and my appearance has shifted back to what it was. So at least there’s that.