Drowning in the swamp

So I’ve been contemplating what to post here for about the last week as the dread keeps settling in as news articles clamor on top of one another on my feed.
It’s hard to put into words your anger and distress sometimes. I’ll try and not go on a full tirade as I’m sure a lot of you might feel the same way but I digress. This isn’t going to be easy for me.

As each day passes since the 1st of this year, I feel like I’m already drowning in this country. It’s not even the 20th yet and already I’m sick with anxiety, worry and thoughts of how to escape. Half baked plans of desperation, trying to find holes in the system so we can move before we’re completely stripped of our rights we’ve worked so hard to get.

The first strike: Health insurance in the state I’m in. We obviously had to sign up with the ACA again as none of our employers offer insurance. The issue with that is, our selection was cut in half and rates doubled. I couldn’t continue through United healthcare and had to find one that we could afford that had an obtainable deductible for us. We got stuck with Cigna for literally over double what we paid last year. Cigna doesn’t offer coverage for trans individuals. Plain and simple.
The exert from their 2017 exclusions: “Procedures, surgery or treatments to change characteristics of the body to those of the opposite sex including medical or psychological counseling and hormonal therapy in preparation for, or subsequent to, any such surgery. This also includes any medical, surgical or psychiatric treatment or study related to sex change.

I’m already fucked as far as my transition goes it seems. Feeling hopeless right off the bat this year, this wasn’t going to help my year off with a good note.
But then let’s add the syrup to the shit ice cream sundae and watch a Texas Federal judge block transperson’s rights the day before they’d fully take effect for the ACA!
Link: The BUZZ story

So that’s now 2 hits this first week. Oh and than you have Paul Ryan and the screwed assholes in congress who vow to repeal the whole damn ACA. Bam, 3 strikes we’re out.

What do you even do with this? I mean.. what can we do?

I sat and pondered this pretty much the last couple days. It’s only the 9th. 9 fucking days and I’ve watched my rights stripped and my health coverage go under fire.

Well, fuck it. I’m fighting. I’m not going down without a battle.
I happen to scroll past the Trans rights group on FB posting an article and I spoke up and commented. I’ve since then been in touch with a lady from PROMO and in the talks of trying to sort out the blatant discrimination in my healthcare.
I’ll be contacting Lambda Legal as well to see where and how far I can go.
Granted, I don’t have the funds at all to hire a lawyer. I’m living on a strict budget. So I suppose we’ll see. But if they find my case noteworthy enough to make waves, I’m gunning all the way. Court dates and all. I’m tired of sitting at home, watching as everything is set on fire around me, expecting others to make my and other’s ways in the world.

How can our legislation deny the AMA(American Medical Association), APA(American Psychological Association) and countless other accredited organizations? I know.. it’s a rhetorical question. These same people deny 98% of scientists on climate change. *Que eye roll x 1000*

As you can tell, I’ve hit my fuck this shit, mark and I’m fed up. Let’s cross fingers and hope I have some good news for once come soon.

2 years of changes and a new life.

You know when you’re sitting there and you take a moment to look back at what’s happened to get you to where you’re at right now and it all just leaves you kind of awe struck? That’s me currently.

It’ll be 2 years come February 11th since I started HRT. It’s now been 2 years since I came out to my husband and family. A lot has changed and not just appearance wise. My life has changed, my perspective has changed, my opinions and goals have changed. And change doesn’t have to be a bad thing either. I would say my changes have been for the better in most cases. Granted, the ability to be on the other side of the fence as far as being a minority leaves me bitter hearted and struggling. But the other changes have been for the better and I am thankful I took the steps needed to get to where I’m at today. I don’t regret my decision, I stand proud for it.

For those of you who are curious about the physical changes for a person on HRT for 2 years now, I’ll kind of do a run down but you can also check out my gallery to see the changes as well.
At the 2 year mark, my voice is still kinda going everywhere. It also didn’t help I was sick for a month straight with what had to be the worst head cold of my life. Lost my voice for a full week and a half, throat is still sore some days and my ears ache and it’s been going on 2 months now. But I will say my voice on average passes now most times over the phone and for sure in person. If you would of caught me last year that wouldn’t of been the case.
As far as things like muscle and body fat, everything seems to be in place. I still need to loose about 50lbs ideally but still not there.
Facial hair is alright. I wouldn’t say it’s where I want it to be by a long shot but I’m happy with what my genes gave me. I still have a baldish/thin spot under my chin but the middle of my chin is finally filling in. the sides are starting, very slowly, to grow up but around the rest of it, it’s still fairly thin. I tossed around the idea to use Rogaine and I have a bottle in my cabinet but I haven’t gotten to the point of using it daily.

As for everything else, such as top surgery plans and so forth go, I have none. We just don’t make enough to cover the Dr I want to see and getting to that point is going to take a long while. I want to save up, I do. But I have 2 children to take care of first. And their health and happiness will come before mine. I just have to keep avoiding the squealing happy men running rampant on my social media that get the chance to get it done instead. I get severely depressed and angry every single time I read a post about it.

So apart from all the physical changes at 2 years, the emotional ones I think are far greater. Daily I find my paranoia kicks in about my safety or I’ll see posts reminding me that my state doesn’t believe I’m a decent human being and that I’m some maniacal rapist who enjoys torturing people in public bathrooms and thus I don’t deserve even basic human rights. It’s stressful, it’s infuriating, it dumbfounds me.
The state of Missouri is so pretentious in their religious standing that I’m fearful of even getting a job. What’s the point? I could be fired and can’t do a damn thing about it.

I managed to finally secure health insurance over the market place this year and surprise surprise, none of them covered trans. Not a one. Oh their private insurance does, for a nice lump sum of $500+ a month, but forget it if you have to purchase publicly.
I’m actually pretty tempted for when I pay off our deductible, to start raising hell. I’ve spoken with a few people and I hope to get in contact soon with a LGBT lawyer who might have some insight into the process of fighting the company and the state. I’ll be damned if I don’t go down without a fight. I’m quite alright speaking my mind and I’ll do so if need be.

Aside from the blatant inequality I live in day to day, there isn’t much more to go on about. I know I don’t update very regularly and to be honest, I could if I wanted to turn this blog into a rally for rights informative thing. But I don’t. If you know a few LGBT people, especially T, you’ll already know the backwards and screwed up legislation. And if you don’t, a quick google search will inform you. Spamming here, what already countless blogs and news sites do, wouldn’t help. So for now I’ll keep it to strictly my life and how it all effects me.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. For giggles sake I’ll include my pre-T picture here and than one of me last week for fun comparison. Have a good one!