Exhausted

I got a gentle reminder the other day that I had neglected to write in my blog. I thought, “There isn’t really much that can be said.” But I’ve been reflecting again as of late on a few things. I’m going to preface this with a minor warning. It’s going to be ranty. I’m not going to sugar coat anything. I’m exhausted, in pain and frustrated. Be warned, there are talks of suicide in this as well.

I attended Pride in Kansas City recently and it was a mixed bag of feelings. It usually is though with the community. On one hand I feel supported in some small way. That existing as I do is ok. On the other, I feel swarmed by judgmental eyes from a lot of the queer community. I know that’s a broad statement and please don’t understand me wrong. I know the majority see equality for everyone. But those bad apples sure do stand out.
But I’m not here to talk about that. Laverne Cox pretty much sums up how I feel about all of that here in this article: Laverne Cox addresses the issues in the LGBTQA community

No, I’m here to talk about the transmen I walked past, shirts no where to be seen, proudly showing their chests. It’s a double edged sword for me. I’m so happy to see them happy with themselves. I truly am and honestly am. But the feelings are quickly overshadowed by jealousy, silent rage and guilt.
I’ve struggled now for 3 years on obtaining my surgery. I’ve exhausted every outlet I can only to show up at a dead end sign, flashing brightly in my face with a curt FU tacked on.
I’m almost at the end of my rope. My patience and denial wear thinner by the day as the pain from my binder slices into my shoulders and sides. The thoughts of being able to just toss a T shirt on haunt me. Not having to twist and struggle to put on this torture device that strains my stomach and restricts my breathing would be a god send.
I’ve grown to self hatred, swearing I would quit smoking but an hour later chain smoke 2 in a row because I just want it to end faster.

I have too much guilt weighing on my heart to ever end it all. I love my family too much to make them suffer any more than they already are. So it’s not so much of a question of will I but more so, when will the thoughts go away? I don’t want to feel like I have to grab the nearest kitchen knife and just do the job myself.

I’ve tried insurance. I’ve tried finding a job that has insurance that covers it. Currently I’ve been with Target for over a year now. But guess what? They keep cutting my hours. I’m trying to hit 30 a week so I qualify but the more I ask, the less hours I get. The resounding no’s echo every day and here I am.. wallowing in what feels like a constant state of frozen eternity.
And don’t get me started on those sites that offer funding. 3 people.. out of hundreds. It’s a damn raffle of chance. I make money so I must be able to save and qualify for help and blah blah blah. So you don’t get any help.
I haven’t been able to save anything higher than $20 to my paycheck in a long damn time. I’ve tried finding better paying jobs but let me tell you.. with 1 car and 3 working adults and no babysitter? Good luck.

The thought of starting a fund me page almost sends me into a spell of sickness and regret. What’s the point? Get maybe $100, sound like a spam bot, and then sink even lower emotionally before I finally admit myself to a hospital because the depression gets to be too much?

I’m at a complete loss. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m exhausted trying to think of ways to get even $500 we won’t need for food let alone a surgery. I don’t qualify for medical credit because I’ve tried and they’ve denied me on more than one occasion. I don’t qualify for medicaid.. not like they’d cover it anyways. The state of Missouri doesn’t require them too and Trump has been dismantling everything in between.

So what’s the point? I just don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t. No one is going to hand me $8,000 to have surgery and insurance that covers it seems like a rich man’s dream. I can’t walk out in public with a C sized chest and just expect to feel even remotely comfortable. And I can’t go through with offing my self.

I’m so unimaginably uncomfortable with this situation it makes my skin crawl.
It’d almost be worth leaving this Earth with a note saying Trump is one of the many reasons I left and send it to the media. Be one last hurrah for others in my situation needing help. But I just can’t.

So here I sit. Typing to the void. I didn’t want to come to my blog today and make it rain bullshit. I honestly didn’t. And it really didn’t help fill the blank space I have inside me either. But here it is. Laid out for whomever decides to read it.

Just know. If you feel the same way. You’re not alone at least.

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Drowning in the swamp

So I’ve been contemplating what to post here for about the last week as the dread keeps settling in as news articles clamor on top of one another on my feed.
It’s hard to put into words your anger and distress sometimes. I’ll try and not go on a full tirade as I’m sure a lot of you might feel the same way but I digress. This isn’t going to be easy for me.

As each day passes since the 1st of this year, I feel like I’m already drowning in this country. It’s not even the 20th yet and already I’m sick with anxiety, worry and thoughts of how to escape. Half baked plans of desperation, trying to find holes in the system so we can move before we’re completely stripped of our rights we’ve worked so hard to get.

The first strike: Health insurance in the state I’m in. We obviously had to sign up with the ACA again as none of our employers offer insurance. The issue with that is, our selection was cut in half and rates doubled. I couldn’t continue through United healthcare and had to find one that we could afford that had an obtainable deductible for us. We got stuck with Cigna for literally over double what we paid last year. Cigna doesn’t offer coverage for trans individuals. Plain and simple.
The exert from their 2017 exclusions: “Procedures, surgery or treatments to change characteristics of the body to those of the opposite sex including medical or psychological counseling and hormonal therapy in preparation for, or subsequent to, any such surgery. This also includes any medical, surgical or psychiatric treatment or study related to sex change.

I’m already fucked as far as my transition goes it seems. Feeling hopeless right off the bat this year, this wasn’t going to help my year off with a good note.
But then let’s add the syrup to the shit ice cream sundae and watch a Texas Federal judge block transperson’s rights the day before they’d fully take effect for the ACA!
Link: The BUZZ story

So that’s now 2 hits this first week. Oh and than you have Paul Ryan and the screwed assholes in congress who vow to repeal the whole damn ACA. Bam, 3 strikes we’re out.

What do you even do with this? I mean.. what can we do?

I sat and pondered this pretty much the last couple days. It’s only the 9th. 9 fucking days and I’ve watched my rights stripped and my health coverage go under fire.

Well, fuck it. I’m fighting. I’m not going down without a battle.
I happen to scroll past the Trans rights group on FB posting an article and I spoke up and commented. I’ve since then been in touch with a lady from PROMO and in the talks of trying to sort out the blatant discrimination in my healthcare.
I’ll be contacting Lambda Legal as well to see where and how far I can go.
Granted, I don’t have the funds at all to hire a lawyer. I’m living on a strict budget. So I suppose we’ll see. But if they find my case noteworthy enough to make waves, I’m gunning all the way. Court dates and all. I’m tired of sitting at home, watching as everything is set on fire around me, expecting others to make my and other’s ways in the world.

How can our legislation deny the AMA(American Medical Association), APA(American Psychological Association) and countless other accredited organizations? I know.. it’s a rhetorical question. These same people deny 98% of scientists on climate change. *Que eye roll x 1000*

As you can tell, I’ve hit my fuck this shit, mark and I’m fed up. Let’s cross fingers and hope I have some good news for once come soon.

Four month long set back

Yup.. you read that right. I have been set back literally 4 months via my transition. As I wrote in the last entry I had switched off shots for a compounded version of androgel and I was extremely excited for it. Heck still would prefer it over the shots if it worked for me.

Let me just preface to any transman thinking of using the gel for a way to get your testosterone, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use this as a user review! Every single person on this planet is different. We absorb and metabolize things differently, this does NOT mean the gel won’t work for you!

Okay now that that’s out of the way, over the past almost 4 months using my compounded gel I began to notice my facial hair stopped growing in as thick, my face has started to revert back, my sex drive is gone, I can’t achieve orgasm and to top it all off I’m now going through my second “shark week” aka period. It’s been monstrous and very aggravating to say the least. My energy has dropped and I’m just over all ick feeling. I went in for my normal time to get checked up on my blood levels and review and talk to my dr and I get a call back a week before my appointment saying that my levels are just so very low on everything that we have to figure something out with my testosterone and soon.
Basically I have the normal E levels for a male and normal T levels for a female. I’m experiencing right now something similar to menopause in a varied sense. It’s crazy and not fun. So after speaking with my dr on what to do, we’ve decided I’ll go back on the shot for 3 months, get my levels corrected and than figure out if doubling the gel dose mg would work or not.
At this point sadly my anxiety with giving my self shots is still through the roof so I’ll be visiting my dr office every 2 weeks and paying to get my shots for now. Everyone Uhg with me lol

Now I do want to say, even with my darn face reverting a bit back and so on, I still pass thank goodness. I have just a tad bit more of a hairy fem look going on which 0.o is weird but whatever.

So that’s it as far as transition things go. As far as life goes, uhg is the word I think of right off the bat.

I am currently going through a separation with my husband. No it’s not transition related. Actually has nothing to do with that. I still can say he’s been the most supportive amazing person as far as that goes. I fault him no where in my transition and understanding it.

But, there’s always a but somewhere, I just realized a lot of things, a lot of things missing that I wish I had in a partner that he can’t give me. So life is very up in the air, falling off a 10,000ft cliff with a tornado at the bottom waiting to throw everything which way. Stress has been horrific so yeah…

That’s my update for now. I’ve included a pic in my gallery of what I’m looking like today so if anyone wants to see what being on low T after normal levels looks like, feel free to take a peek.
Have a good one everyone and if anything drastic changes I’ll be sure to report back.